Cure for Pre-Marriage Love Relationship
In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful
Cure for Pre-Marriage Love Relationship which does not lead to a Marriage
Allah Subhanahu WaTaala says in the Holy Qur’an, in Surah An-Noor:
O you who believe! Follow not the footsteps of Shaitan (Satan). And whosoever follows the footsteps of Shaitan (Satan), then, verily he commands Al-Fahsha (i.e. to commit indecency), and Al-Munkar (disbelief and polytheism (i.e. to do evil and wicked deeds; to speak or to do what is forbidden in Islam, etc.)). And had it not been for the Grace of Allah and His Mercy on you, not one of you would ever have been pure from sins. But Allah purifies (guides to Islam) whom He wills, and Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower. [Al-Qur’an 24:21]
Allah Subhanahu WaTaala says in Surah Al-Maedah:
Say "Not equal are AlKhabeeth (all that is evil and bad things, deeds, beliefs, persons, foods, etc.) and AtTaiyib (all that is good things, deeds, beliefs, persons, foods, etc.), even though the abundance of Al-Khabeeth (evil) may please you. So fear Allah much ((abstain from all kinds of sins and evil deeds which He has forbidden) and love Allah much (perform all kinds of good deeds which He has ordained)), O men of understanding in order that you may be successful. [Al-Qur’an 5:100]
Islam is the only religion which has given woman the status in accordance to her nature and determined her rights and duties according to her personality. Islam gave woman that dignity which no other ideology or faith has ever given. Islam is a complete way of life and has provided solution to every problem.
It is a great concern that some youth in the Ummah get involved in pre-marriage love relationship, which may not lead to a marriage later. When a sister reaches adulthood and would like to get married, necessary arrangements should be made for a marriage. Nikah has very simple requirements in Islam and is the solution to prevent immorality in the society. However, if the conditions of Nikah are not fulfilled, continued love relationship between a male and female may lead to sins and problems among families. There are limits in Islam regarding love relationships before marriage. A Non-Mahram man and woman seeing each other and talking with lust and desires are not allowed, touching a Non-Mahram with lust and desires is forbidden.
Umar (RA) narrated that the Blessed Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said, “The man is never alone with a non-mahram woman but the third of them is Shaytan.”
We know that Satan’s objective is to lead people astray. When a man and woman are alone, he excites them and invites them to engage in shameful acts. This is why the Blessed Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) strictly forbade it [being alone with the opposite gender] and why it is necessary to follow this injunction. Be it a teacher, mentor or cousins, women must avoid being alone with non-Mahram and likewise the same applies to men.
Jabir (RA) narrates that the Blessed Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said, “Beware, no one should spend a night alone [in a house] with a single [divorced or widowed] woman unless he is either married to her or is her Mahram.”
Marital relations come with a lifetime responsibility for:
Financial assistance for family;
Status in society as a respectable married person;
Protections from sins and temptations of Shaytan;
Marriage and serving husband is an ‘ibadah’ and brings rewards from Allah.
What happens when a sister has a relation with a man outside marriage?
No concept of family or financial assistance;
No moral support;
Fear of disgrace in society (if relatives and neighbors come to know);
Depression and worries ;
Displeasure of Allah - disgrace and punishment in life hereafter, unless one makes Tubah;
Due to the nature of human being, if a man and woman are alone, even if they are pious and have good intentions, Shaytan and Nafs (bad desires) may overpower them. If the conditions of Nikah are not fulfilled, continued love relationship between a male and female may lead to sins and problems among families. There are limits in Islam regarding love relationships before marriage. A Non-Mahram man and woman seeing each other and talking with lust and desires are not allowed, touching a Non-Mahram with lust and desires is forbidden. Observing Hijab brings piety and purity in society. Leaving Hijab leads to sins and shamelessness. To learn more about hijab, review the page http://islameasy.org/hijab
Due to the influence of Shaytan and Nafs (bad desires), sometimes a man takes advantage of deceiving an innocent woman with a pre-marriage relationship, but does not have the real intention for a marriage. Such a person would make excuses later and would never arrange a marriage with the same woman. Our sister must notbe deceived by the apparent love and care shown by a strange man since he may not be sincere to her, but was just looking for an opportunity to satisfy his bad desires. Such relationship may lead to big sins and may bring disasters in this life and hereafter. May Allah protect everyone in the Ummah from this trap of Shaitan!
Also, in this situation, our sister should not be deceived even if the man prays 5 times a day and observes fasting– it is still not allowed for a strange woman to sit with him alone. The act of sitting alone with non-Mahram is against Islamic practices and this man, however religious in other acts, is not following the command of Allah regarding Hijab and dignity of woman. This very act of getting closer to non-Mahram was not allowed, whether he was a ‘good boy’ or ‘bad boy’! Both the man and woman, should make Taubah, stop meeting alone, and engage their parents or elders if they are sincere in getting married.
Common excuses a bad person makes to avoid a marriage with the woman:
A man who gets the opportunity to be alone with a non-Mahram woman would never admit he is there to take away the honor and dignity of woman. Instead, he would show love and kindness and make excuses as such as ‘he wants to marry the woman’.
After having a close relation, if the woman is worried, he would be happily willing to continue a hidden relation but not ready for marriage. In reality, he may not even trust this woman for marriage life, since she was careless about protecting her chastity from strange men.
If this man has to end this relation, he would make excuses like ‘we will meet in the heavens’, ‘I am still studying’, ‘my other sisters at home should marry first’ or ‘my parents do not agree for this marriage and I don’t want to disobey parents’, ‘many other people in the world live like this way’ etc.
In summary, such relations may not bring much risk to the man in worldly life but may bring big problems for the woman.
Common Excuses and mistakes which may lead to big sins (traps of Shaytaan and Nafs) ---------------------------------------------------
Some sister may think ‘he’ is just like her husband, or will become soon – treating as husband before Nikah (serving food, gifts). She wants to ‘obey’ the future husband’s desires and do not have courage to stop him when crossing the limits of Hijab.
Thinking ‘he’ will marry her if she fulfills his desires.
Thinking she will ‘lose’ him if she stops meeting him alone.
Some man may take a false verbal oath (or swear) that he will soon marry her, and that he has no evil intention.
Some man may attempt a quick ‘Nikah’ without witnesses, which is not valid according to many scholars. Always check with scholars and involve family elders from both sides.
Meeting fiancé freely before actual Nikah: Even if a man is engaged with a woman, he is still a non-Mahram until the actual Nikah is made. Meeting alone or going out with this person is not allowed for her. It is required to observe complete Hijab with him until Nikah is done.
Remember, a strange man could be an opportunist – looking for ways to get closer to a woman alone, to take away her honor.
Getting close and meeting alone, thinking he is a ‘pious’ Muslim and for Dawah/discussions.
Shaytaan circulates in human blood, with evil temptations and desires.
The Man and woman not understanding the issue of Hijab and its purpose. They may be otherwise ‘religious’ (Salah and fasting, Nafl and Zikr), but do NOT understand the rulings on Hijab.
Some strange man may trick a sister to give him a gift and to deliver it alone (in person), opening the door of hidden relations and sins.
Thinking that having a close relationship is a small sin (‘no body knows’) and soon they will marry.
Emotional pressure on woman – she is soft-hearted and often easily excited by words.
Deceived by logic – Thinking this is a small sin, ‘invest in your future’ and will have a happy marriage life soon’!
Even with ‘false’ love from that man, this woman is easily deceived and starts loving that man with an innocent heart. When Shaytaan and Nafs overpower, her love does not understand the limits and boundaries in Islam and potential sins. Even after committing sins, she may keep hopes that one day he will marry her. Even if he disappears, she still hopes that he may come back one day.
After having an unexpected close relation, if the sister wants to make Taubah and quit, that man may black-mail her to disclose this relation to others and convince her to continue doing sins.
This may lead to such a sin where both of them lose dignity and respect in the eyes of each other.
End-result of starting this hidden relationship – the sister is always the loser, one way or the other!
If Shaytan leads to big sins, what are the risks for the sister and her parents?
Losing honor and chastity;
Physical affects of pre-marriage relations;
Disgrace in society - among relatives, neighbors and community;
Problems in getting married;
Depression and worries;
Displeasure of Allah - disgrace and punishment in life hereafter, unless one makes Taubah!
What to do if marriage is not possible?
If someone has developed love for a non-Mahram, but a marriage is not possible (one partner deceived after some time, parents do not agree, man or woman was already married to someone else, etc.), then steps must be taken to cure the heart from this love and desires which cannot be fulfilled.
Disassociate from that person and discard anything that reminds you about that person (gifts or letters etc.). Do not go close to any such thing which reminds you about that person. Guard your thoughts as well and keep yourself busy with a positive activity.
Develop love of Allah:
The human heart is the center of emotions and feelings. It dictates what it desires and works in collaboration with mind to act as a platform of good or evil. The human heart also has hidden treasures of matchless jewels. If found and applied, we can become beloved of Allah. Imagine a believer who always remembers and seeks help from her Creator, praises Allah by her tongue, in her heart, expresses gratitude for His bounties, is patient in hardships. She supplicates in all earnestness and always has good intentions.
Our real love should be for Allah. We love someone due to beauty and excellence, perfectness in knowledge and generosity, loving and caring treatment for us. If we look around and think about the blessings Almighty Allah is showering on us, we will love Him.
He is Allah, besides him there is no god, the All-Knower of the unseen and the seen. He is the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful. He is Allah, besides him there is no god, the King, the Holy, the One Free from all defects, the Giver of security, the Watcher over His creatures, the All-Mighty, the Compeller, the Supreme. Glory be to Allah! (High is He) above all that they associate as partners with Him. He is Allah, the Creator, the Inventor of all things, the Bestower of forms. To Him belong the Best Names. All that is in the heavens and the earth glorify Him. And He is the All-Mighty, the All-Wise.[Al-Qur’an, 59: 22-24]
Get married and fulfill the rights of spouse:
Live a life with happiness, honesty and integrity http://islameasy.org/marriage-advice
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find tranquility in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” [Al-Qur’an 30: 21]
When reaching appropriate age and a suitable match (a practicing Muslim), the sister should be married. The elders in the family, the masjid Imam and pious elders in the community may help find suitable matches, meet with the boy/ parents and arrange the marriage for the sister.
Learn the life of piety:
Observe Hijaab completely; protect your honor and the blessings Allah has bestowed upon you. Study the Tafseer of Surah An-Noor and Surah Al-Ahzab to learn how Allah Almighty wants to protect women and how the Qur’an describes the Islamic system to prevent obscene acts.
This life is a one-time opportunity to achieve everlasting happiness in the Hereafter. Every moment has a great potential if positively used to raise status and rank in the sight of our Creator. Strong faith and good deeds bring peace and comfort in this life, in the grave and in the Hereafter.
Paradise is a reality – with rivers of milk and honey, palaces of gold and silver, delicious food and fruits, beautiful spouse, always happy, always young, always healthy – a great kingdom for ever and ever for an unending enjoyment and bliss. Compete with each other to strengthen faith and excel in good deeds and hasten to seize every fleeting moment and turn into gold by a productive activity; sow seeds today to reap a rich harvest tomorrow and rush at the available opportunity before it is lost for good.
Convert time into gold. Today is the day of action, rush to do good deeds.
Repentance and asking forgiveness could clean up mistakes of the past.
Good intentions lead us to a golden future.
Clean home environment:
Make an effort to remove any bad literature/ digests, TV, pictures and movies from your home. Such things only take the Ummah to a path of immodesty and bad desires.
It is the nature of mankind to be forgetful and to commit sins. However, Allah has given us the ability to correct our mistakes; we may turn to Allah and beg for his forgiveness.
“Say: "O Ibadee (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Al-Qur’an 39: 53]
One should make sincere taw’bah/ repentance to Allah for one's sins. The requisites of tau’bah are three:
(1) To immediately abstain from the sin.
(2) To regret and wish one had never indulged in the sin.
(3) To make a determined intention not to return to the sin.
(4) If one have violated the rights of another person it is also necessary to ask for forgiveness from that person.
After having made a sincere Taw’bah, have a firm conviction in the acceptance of your Tau’bah. Allah (Subhanahu WaTaala) is all-Merciful and all-Forgiving. He is always ready to accept the repentance of His sinful slaves. Allah says in Surah Aal-e-Imran:
“And those who, when they have committed Fahishah or wronged themselves with evil, remember Allah and ask forgiveness for their sins - and none can forgive sins but Allah - And do not persist in what (wrong) they have done, while they know.” [Al-Qur’an 3:135]
After repenting, one should try to live in absolute accordance with the Shariah and Sunnah of the Prophet (SallAllahu Alayhi Wa-Sallam). This will bring the utmost peace and tranquility into one’s life.
Dua to cure the heart from illicit desires:
At the time of concern and hardship, our advice is to review your life pattern and check to see in how many ways you can come closer to Allah. One who corrects her relationship with Allah, Allah will correct her relationship with the rest of the creation.
Only Allah knows what is beneficial for us. Pray Salat-ul-Hajat and Istekhara before making important decisions. See the main page at http://islameasy.org/ It is not required to memorize that Dua, as you could recite it from a book or from a printed page.
Read 2 Rakah of Nafl Salah (Namaz) every night, with intention of Taubah, Istekhara and Salatul Hajat. This is performed like any other Salah. After the Salah, you should recite the following Dua. You may print these pages from web and recite from printed pages or from computer after the Salah. It is not required to memorize these Dua or to read those inside Salah.
Taubah (from any act of disobedience and sins). The method is described at http://islameasy.org/images/Treasures-Large/47.htm and the next page.
Istekhara (Is this matter good for me, or there is something better Allah has kept for me?). The method is described at http://islameasy.org/images/Treasures-Large/46.htm
Salat-ul Hajat. The method is described at http://islameasy.org/dua-hajat (Ask Allah to ease difficulty, clean the heart to focus on good deeds.)
Increase time for Du’a, especially if you could wake up during the last part of night. Here is a startup script and examples of Dua:
Dua from the Core of Heart http://islameasy.org/pdf/Duae_Walihana.pdf
“Ya Allah! I ask You for Your love, the love of the person who loves You, and the love of that deed which would draw me closer to Your love. Ya Allah! Make Your love more beloved to me than myself, my family, and more beloved than cold water [on a hot day]. Ya Allah! Grant me your love and the love of that person whose love will benefit me by you.
O Allah! Just as You bestowed me with that which I love, make it a source of help to me in fulfilling all that which You love. O Allah! Whatever You kept away from me of the things which I love [but were harmful for me], make them a source of freedom for me so that I may be able to fulfill all that which You love.”
Recite several times morning and evening:
“ALLAHUMMA SALLI ALA MUHAMMADI(M) Muatta-rir-Roohe Wa Aale-hit-Tayyebeenat-Tahireena Salatan Tuat-te-runa Biha wa Barik wa Sallim” (note: All ‘t’ sounds are soft, like ‘taleem’ in Arabic/Urdu)
- extracted from a booklet in Urdu ‘Jannat ka Asan Rasta” by Shaykh Mufti Mohammad Rafi Uthmani. http://islameasy.org/easy-road-paradise
"an easy prescription for rectification of the heart. This prescription is very brief but it is very swift in its effect. It consists of four a’mal (good deeds) that are the life of the Islamic Shari’ah and Tariqah, and they are so easy to do that you do not have to spend your life, wealth, or time to do them. If a person makes it a habit of doing them, a special connection with Allah is created whose effect one begins to feel in one’s life. The heart becomes willing to accept rectification and then gradually a state is reached when even if the person wants to commit sin, he is unable to do so.."
Happy Marriage - Living with Peace and Harmony at Home
Status of Woman in Islam by Shaykh Ahmed Abdul Mujeeb Qasmi (translated by Muhammad Owais Jafrey) http://islameasy.org/k225-womeninislam
Islam is the only religion which has given woman the status in accordance to her nature and determined her rights and duties according to her personality. Islam gave woman that dignity which no other ideology or faith has ever given. This lecture series talks about the status and role of women in society, removes misconceptions and shows how Islam elevates the status of a daughter, sister, wife and mother.
Taubah and Istaghfaar – Repentance and seeking forgiveness, by Shaykh Ahmed Abdul Mujeeb Qasmi (translated by Muhammad Owais Jafrey)
SWT = Subhanahu Wa Ta'Ala
SAW = Sallallaho Alaihe Wasallam
RA = Radhiyallaho anhu
RAnha= Radhiyallaho anha
The scholarly reader is encouraged to refer to the original Arabic script for the Ayat of Qur'an and Ahadith.