Husband is backbiting, breaking the marriage

Question

I got married around 10 months back, to my paternal cousin. i had heard about him to be very religious, and alhamdulillah that was the reason i chose to marry him. after marriage i noticed a few points in him which I find difficult to accept. he is very short tempered and starts abusing people who don't follow Islam properly. i find it to be bad behaviour, as he does'nt care about who he is talking to, elders even. he justifies that they are not muttaqis and they sin. he backbites a lot, and dose'nt accept it. he abuses my family also. in general he talks a lot about some 3rd person which i cannot tolerate and i lose my patience as well. we have constant arguments, and off-late i tend to lose my temper after a while. though both of us claim to follow deen, i dont think we are pleasing ALLAH, fighting this way. his mother tells me that its up to me to change him. i am trying in vain. it maybe so that my method is not right, in any case, i have lost my patience living with him. we have undergone one talaq and one rujoo'. it was my decision to continue the marriage against my family's advice. now i am reluctant to tell them anything. i am terribly confused as to whether to continue this relationship or not. i want to do what pleases ALLAH. as of now, i spend most of my time arguing and i'm sure that does not please ALLAH. i know i should not take up a task which i may not be able to complete. i really want some help, please guide me..

Answer

Marriage is an institute which can be as firm as a rock or weak as a thread, it is up to the partners to make it either one. As a scholar has rightly mentioned,

"if every human on earth made the effort to fulfill the rights of others,then everyone's rights would have been fulfilled."

Make an extra effort to improve your character and fulfill your husbands rights with humilty, and Allah will elevate you in your husband's (and everyone) eyes, as the prophet SAW has said," the one who lowers himself for the pleasure of Allah, Allah elevates him. "If there are particular
things that he likes, make extra effort in doing it before he asks. Also don't think about his bad qualities, instead concentrate on the good he has, even if its less in comparison. Remember that Allah has chosen you both to be husband and wife out of his wisdom.

You should read YA Wadoodo and YA Salaamo 21 times everyday.
May Allah will make it easy for you. Ameen!

[editor's note: Suggestions for Happy Marriage]
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Kindly review our advice on Happy Marriage ' Living with Peace and Harmony at Home at http://islameasy.org/Marriage_Advice.php

There is a great reward for patience at the time of difficulty. Remember the teachings of Islam:
- Repel evil with good deeds;
- Join relations with the one who cuts it with you;
- Forgive those who did wrong to you;

Manners and protection of tongue:
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From our elders we have learned that the best method to increase the love between the husband and the wife is to obtain great morals and etiquettes and to guard our tongue. By doing both of those, one will be able to attract your spouse into a never ending love. Please review the following article: http://islameasy.org/K213_Tongue_protection.php

List of husband's likes and dislikes:
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Living closely for a period of time, the wife knows the secrets of do's and don'ts which pleases the husband. At the time of difficulty and concern, when the husband is not behaving well, extra precaution should be taken and a 'selfless' attitude is needed to win his heart.

A warm-welcome of the husband:
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When a husband enters home and looks at the wife with love and mercy and wife also looks at the husband with love and mercy, Allah looks at both of them with mercy.
Entering and leaving home with Salam and Du'a keeps the Shaytaan away.

The wife at home should adorn herself for the husband when he arrives home and meet with him cheerfully. On the other hand, when a woman goes out of her home (for example, for a social event), she should wear simple and modest clothing and observe complete Hijaab in front of non-Mahram.

Virtues of good deeds:
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Imagine a pious wife making Du'a for his husband after every Salah: May Allah make him a pious man! May Allah bless him with wisdom and knowledge of Deen! May Allah accept all his good deeds and keep Shaytaan away from him!

Pray Salat-ul-Hajat and Istekhara before making important decisions. See the main page at http://islameasy.org/

Give some Sadaqa on behalf of your spouse.

Increase time for Du'a, especially if you could wake up during the last part of night. Here is a startup script and examples of Dua:

Dua from the Core of Heart http://islameasy.org/pdf/Duae_Walihana.pdf
Munajaat-e-Maqbool http://islameasy.org/Dua_MM_2.php

Environment of pious people:
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Find a pious Shaykh near your area and encourage the husband to attend his programs with intention to acquire the love of Allah Almighty. Listen to lectures and read books on pious husband and wife.

Read books of virtues (like Muntakhab Ahadith, Riyadus-Saliheen) with your family for 5-10 minutes every evening.

Request the husband to bring some Islamic books of good deeds, Du'a and zikr for the family.

If there is a gathering for Taleem (Islamic knowledge to increase faith and good deeds) encourage your spouse to attend. Your masjid Imam and community may help you find such programs.

Only Allah knows what is beneficial for us. He is All Wise, All Merciful.
May Allah bless you and your family to live in peace and harmony! Ameen!

Cure for depression
http://islameasy.org/Cure_Depression.php

And Allah knows best.

Ask Alimah Team

Note: The rulings giving herein are based on the religious rulings of the Islamic Law and do not have any implications on the Law of the Country. The rulings given hereunder are specifically based on the question posed and should be read in conjunction with the question. AskAlimah.com site bears no responsibility to any party who may or may not act on this answer. AskAlimah.com site being hereby exempted from loss or damage howsoever caused. This answers may not be used as evidence in any Court of Law without prior written consent of the web site.